Love Lost
by vattenkanna
Summary: After the war, Hermione leaves England to mourn Fred in peace. Find out what happens when she returns....


Disclamer: I own nothing that you recognize from any of the HP books.

**Love Lost**

Hermione looked down at the little baby in her arms, her son. She still couldn't believe that she had created something as wonderful and amazing as the little creature she was currently gazing down at, or rather that she and Fred had created. It still hurt just to think about him, even after all theese months. It still felt like he would walk through the door at anytime or that she would wake up to see him laying right next to her, watching her sleep like he had so many times before. It had annoyed her immensly, but now, now that she knew he woudl never be able to do that again she missed it. She missed it so much that it hurt inside. For months she had been numb with grief, only eating enough to keep her baby healthy. She had had no crazy pregnancycravings at all, everything tasted the same anyway. The baby was all she had to live for since Fred died, it was the only thing she had left of him and if anything happened to their baby it would be like Fred dying all over again. So she ate, went to the doctor and kept herself in good health for the baby, her only link to Fred. She had cried when she had her first sonogram. The nurse had thought she was overwelmed at seeing her baby for the first time, but she had cried because Fred hadn't been there to see it with her. Every time something major occured (when the bump started to show, the first kick) she had cried because Fred missed it and she missed him more than ever before.

"I don't know if I can keep doing this". Her words had made him turn around and stare at her. They were stading outside Shell Cottage, talking. Fred had arrived the night after Lupin had told them about Teddy. Lupin had told him that they were there and Fred had hurried over immediatly. "You know that I want You-Know-Who defeted just as much as the next person, but I'm just not sure if I can stand someone else I care about dying. What if it's Harry the next time, or Ginny or , God forbid, you? I'm not sure I could survive that." He hadn't said anything, he just kept looking at her and she could feel the tears forming in her eyes. 'He doesn't feel the same way about me! I just made a fool of myself and he couldn't care less about me.' While she had thought this, tears started to trickle down her cheeks and she closed her eyes in an attempt to shut them in. Therefore she hadn't realised that he had moved to stand right in front of her and was surprised when he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. "I feel the exact same way, I love you more than anything in the world and would rather die than see any harm come to you. But we have to fight, we have come this far and eventhough there's still a long way to go there is hope. We have to do this evnthough we're scared. Believe me, if I thought we'd be able to live with ourselves afterwards I would just apparate us to some tropical island and live happily ever after. But believe me, we will get our happily ever after. As soon as Moldy-Shorts gets what he deserves." That had been the night they made love for the last time. A few days latter she left with Harry, Ron and Griphook to go to Gringotts while he went back into hiding at aunt Muriels house.

She had realised that she was pregnant the day before the battle. She hadn't recognized the signs at all, she put the morningsickness and fatigue down to being stressed, same thing with her missing period. When she finally realised what was happening (thanks to one of Rons less tactfull comments "how can you be gaining weight out here when we're more or less suffering from starvation") she was terrified at the though of becoming a mother, could she really do it? But the thought of Fred and this being their baby, a result of their love for each other, put a smile on her face. They would make it through anything, as long as they were togheter.

When she saw him step into the Room of Recuirment she just wanted to tell him straight away, she didn't care that nobody knew about them exept for Harry, Ginny and Ron. She wanted to share these fantastic news with him straight away, but the look in his eyes stopped her. He was focused at the task at hand and barely spared a look at her. She hadn't really been surprised, after all once he finally focused he was more or less incapable of doing anything else. And also, she hadn't wanted to distract him from anything or make him fuss about her. Neither he nor Molly would have let her stay if she had told them, so she choose to saw her big news.

The moment she saw him get hit by that curse and Percy throwing himself over him, she thought she was dead. How could she still be alive if he wasn't? How could anyone force one to survive without the other? Without even thinking about it she put one hand on the curve of her stomach, just making sure it was still there. She stood there, rooted to the floor until Harry grabbed her and dragged her with him. She couldn't really remember anything else of the battle. She had a vague memory of Harry dead at Voldemorts feet, vaguelly recalled fighting for her life with Ginny and Luna at her side, Molly killing Bellatrix and Harry finishing Voldemort. But most of this was like part of a dream. The only thing that felt real was the void in her heart and the pain of losing Fred.

It took several hours for the haze to leave and her brain to start working again after the battle. She had been sitting outside, trying to collect her thoughts. The first thing that hit her was that Fred really was dead. She would never see him again. Never be able to hold him. Never be able to tell him she loved him. Never be able to tell him about their child. This hurt so bad and she just wanted to cry, but her pain was beyond tears. No tears in he world would bring Fred back to her. She turned back to the Great Hall after watching Harry retreat to the dormiory and the first thing she saw was Weasleyred hair. Her heart lept. 'He's not really dead, he came back to me'. But as she scanned the redheads she realised that it really was over, he was not there. She couldn't stand the sight of his hair and know that he was gone forever so she turned around and left. At the time she thought it would only be for a few days. She had thought that she just needed sometime to get used to the idea on her own.

She had left for America that same night. There were no goodbyes or anything, she left a short note to the Weasleys saying no to worry and that she would be back soon. She got a job at a restaurant, found an apartment and tried to live. It wasn't easy. Eventhough America wasn't involved in the war and she lived in an all Muggle part of town people still recognized her and came up to her in the streets to shake her hand and thank her. After two weeks of that she changed her name to Jennie Carter and started flattening her hair. She couln't bare the thought of changing anything else about her apperance, after all Fred had loved every single thing about her. As the months passed she never once thought about going back to England, she liked the anonymity she had here. Her stomach kept growing and she went to regular meeting with the midwife who assured her that her baby was very healthy and that she was doing everything right. 5am on January 27th Hermione went in to labour and 12hours later she was holding her beatiful baby boy for the first time.

The day she brought him home to the appartment was both the sadest and happiest of her life. She had realised, the moment she held him in her arms, that it was unfair both to him and the Weasleys to stay in America. They had a right to know about him and be part of his life and he deserved to be with people who loved him and could tell him all about his father. The midwife had sympathized with her, but made her promise not to go anywhere for at least three months, after that she said that it would be safe to floo home with him. During the delivery Hermione had forgotten all about acting the part of a Muggle and the midwife, being a witch herself, had realised what she was immediatly, she even invited Hermione to use her own fireplace when it was time to go back home. Relieved at the thought of not having to fly home, Hermione accepted.

The next three months flue by, there was so much to learn about Ben and every day brought something new. Ben was a wonderful baby, he hardly ever cried and slept most of the time. Hermione would just stand next to the cot and watch him. She could finally understand why Fred had used to watch her. It was something very soothing about watching Ben sleep. Eventhough he was still very young Hermione could see Fred in him, the most obvious sign was the hair. He had inherited the Weasley red.

The midwife kept her promise and three months after his birth Ben found himself in England. It was a very cold day and after checking in at the Leaky Cauldron she sent an owl to Harry asking if he would consider meeting her for lunch. She figured it was safe to start with him since he wasn't a Weasley by blood and therefore might not tell everybody else before she was ready to meet them. She had just finished with Bens feeding and put him back in the cot when someone knocked on the door. So as to not wake him up, she put the cot in the adjoing bathroom and went to open the door.

There was none other than Molly Weasley. Shocked, Hermione just stood there for several moments. Molly stared back at her before ensuming her in a huge hug and start crying. Hermione, who was still in shock, just stood there and let Molly hold her. When Molly had assuered herself that Hermione really was there and was not leaving again, she started explaining. "Well, you see dear. Harry moved in to the Burrow just after the war and has beeen living there ever since. This moring when the owl came he had already left and I accidentally opened it. I had to come over here straight away, there is no way you are staying here when there's plenty of room at the Burrow." Molly stopped for breath and for the first time since she had gotten there she looked at Hermione, taking in her new changed form and then looked around the room, noticing the telltale signs of a babys presence. Looking back at Hermione she said, "but it's not just you anymore, is it?"

Hermione shook her head, tears filling her eyes. "Don't worry sweetie, I'm not judging you. Is that why you left? You were afraid what I, we, would say?" "That was a small part of it, but most of all I just needed to get away. I needed to forget, but I realise now that he has a right to get to know you and that you have a right to get to know him." "It's a boy? What's his name? Where is he? Can I see him?" Smiling at Mollys enthusiams Hermione showed her to the cot in the bathroom and they just stood there watching Ben. A little worried about how Molly would take it, after all Ben was obviously a Weasley, Hermione watched her. For a few seconds, Molly just stood there taking him in. Then she turned to Hermione and said two simple words. "Thank you."Taking one last look at Ben she turned around and left the room, motioning for Hermione to follow. She waited while she closed the door and then started talking again. "Well, that changes things a little. But you really need to talk and I want you to come live with us. After all this is my first grand child and I want to be as big a part as you will let me. Please, come back with me. He's been going crazy without you." At the last part Hermione bit her lip hard. Of course, Molly thought it was Rons child. But she didn't have the strenght to corect her now, she felt drained and just wanted to be taken care of. She nodded and Molly immediatly started to pack up her belongings.

Fifteen minutes later Hermione floed into the kitchen at the Burrow holding Ben thightly to her chest. Molly sent her up to Percys old room where she and Ben would be staying. She even brought down an old cot from tha attic and put it in the room. Hermione put Ben, who was still sleeping, down and went back down to the kitchen with Molly. Sitting down at the table with a cup of tea she watched Molly start dinner, she refused to let Hermione help her, and told her about her time in America and all about Ben. Molly listened to everything she said and told her about her own time as a first time mom. Hermione soaked it all up,always eager to learn. Not to long after, Mr Weasley stepped out of the fireplace. At the sight of Hermione he stopped dead in his tracks, then he did something he had never done before. He engulfed her in a huge hug and said "It's so great to see you dear, home for good?" Hermione nodded and he continued "Thank Merlin, he was really becoming unbearable!" Hermione felt more and more guilty. After all she never meant to hurt Ron by going away, but there was no way she could consider becoming romantically involved with him. 'Maybe I should have stayed away.' Molly told him about Ben and he immeadiatly turned to Hermione as if asking permission to go look at his grandson. Hermione nodded and he bounded up the stairs. "Make sure you check the cot for strange Muggle artefacts when you go up there. He didn't do anything when our children were small, but it's quite a different thing when it's your grandchild."

Harry and Charlie arrived at the same time, both very surprised to see her. Harry quickly got over it and gave her the biggest hug yet. Charlie welcomed her back, then turned to his mother. "Does he know she's here?" "Not yet, I didn't know how to put something like this in a letter and I couldn't just leave. But he'll be here soon." Hermione guessed they were talking about Ron and once again felt horrible. But Harry distracted her by asking were she had been and why they hadn't been able to contact her. "We tried everything to get in touch. We owled you for ages, but it just came back to us. We thought you were dead! He's been a wreck!" "I'm sorry. I just had to go away and try to forget. Please, forgive me!" "I'm not the one you need to ask for forgivness. Anyway, what happened to you? You look different, more mature in some way." Harry watched her with a frown on his face, trying to figure out what had changed. At that moment a faint cry ould be heard from the upstairs and Hermione shot out of her chair and out of the kitchen before anyone else had time to react.

Once upstairs she found Ben in his cot, wet. Once she had changed his diaper, she decided that she might as well get it over with and talking softly to her son she started to decend the stairs. Halfway down she heard someone floo into the kitchen. She stopped for a moment when she heard a familar voice talk about how some customers where to horrible to even be allowed out of their houses. Taking a shaky breath she reminded herself that the twins had always sounded very simular and that Fred was gone. Once she had controll over herself again she continued into the kitchen were Ron, Bill, Fleur and Percy now had joined the others and were trying to get a word in during Georges monolog. George didn't pay the slightest attention to them and just continued ranting. Hermione stood in the doorway watching him, once again overcome with grief over Fred, when Ben, tired of being ignored, gave a low sniffle causing Hermione to once again direct her full attenion to her son and talk nonsense to him and everyone else to realise she was there. Molly turned from her spot at the stove and realised that she had never seen anything more beautiful than the young mother. The bright light from the livingroom was glowing behind her giving her a shimmer and the look on her face and tone of her voice while she talked to her son were filled with love. She turned to look at her son, he was standing there watching her with the expression of a starving man watching a feast, not quite sure it was real but hoping with all his heart.

As soon as Ben had calmed down Hermione looked back up, and realised that every single person in the kitchen was watching her. She smiled weakly, holding Ben even thighter as a kind of shield. "Hi guys. This is my son, Ben." Fleur was the first one to collect herself and she hurried forth to get a good look at Ben, lead them towards the table to sit down and cooed at him in French. Hermione noticed that everybody else turned their head towards George, as if expecting him to say something, but he was still staring at her and Ben. Finally he cleard his throat. "Hi Hermione. How have you been?" At this Harry shook his head and Molly smiled meakly while Ron, Charlie, Bill and Percy stared at him in disbelief. "I've been good,you? How's the shop?" Hermione did her best to sound cheerfull, but she just couldn't stand hearing his voice, wich sounded so much like Freds, or looking at him, after all he was an exact copy of Fred, so she focused on Ben. Had she been able to look up she would have seen the hurt in his eyes and the disbelief in all the others. She was trying to convince herself to look at him, when she heard someone else floo into the room. Curious she look up to see who it was.

The next second Hermione was extremelly grateful for sitting down, otherwise she would have fainted. She was still holding Ben and she now clutched him even tighter while tears started to fall from her eyes. At the sound of her gasp Molly hurried towards her and hugging them both she stroked Hermiones hair comfortingly. Everybody else just stared at the strange scene infront of them. "You didn't know, did you?" Unable to speak, Hermione shook her head. "Didn't know what?" Ron looked bewildered, he understood nothing. "She didn't know he survived. She thought he was dead!" "What?!" Ron looked at her, astounded. "How could she not know that Harry survived?" Molly, arms still around Hermione and Ben, sighed at her youngest son. Then she looked around the room, realising that everyone else was as confused as Ron. "Not Harry, Fred!"

Turning back to Hermione she said. "We were all soo caught up in everything and more or less dazed for days afterwards, we didn't even realise you were gone until the next day. But you left straight after Voldemort was defeted, didn't you?" Hermione, not able to talk, just nodded. "Fred never died, he was just knocked unconsious and nobody realised until Madame Pomfrey came over to declare him dead officially. He woke up the next morning, just after Ginny found your note." "You thought I was dead?" It was barely more than a whisper, but it still sounded through out the kitchen. Hermione forced herself to look up, she had to make sure it was true, that it wasn't just some kind of cruel joke, that he was really standing there. She met his piercing blue eyes and nodded. The next moment Hermione had handed Ben to Molly and flung herself at Fred, their lips meeting in a desperatly passionate kiss. There was nothing soft about it, both of them needed to make sure the other was real and not just imagination. Hermione ran her hands up Freds arms and back, then burie them in his hair. He used his arms to pull her even closer to himself and held her tightly. Neither kew how long they kissed, it might have been seconds, minutes, hours or days, but neither felt it was long enough when they were forced to draw apart to breathe. Once again, blue eyes met brown. "Hi" "Hi" The Weasley boys and Harry looked at each other shaking their heads, but Molly, Fleur and Ginny smiled. Hermione and Fred still stood in the middle of the kitchen looking into each others eyes, not needing to speak since their eyes told the other how they felt.

Ben started to stur and Molly, not wanting to disturb his parents, quietly left the room with him, the others following. Neither Fred nor Hermione noticed this. Sitting down on the couch Molly looked around at her family, slowly rocking Ben back to sleep. "What just happened in there?" Ron was still looking very confused. "I'm not really sure." Harry looked just as confused. "I think it's quite obvious. Ginny sighed. Hermione left because she thought Fred was dead and couldn't stand the thought of that. She didn't plan on being gone that long, after all she did say so in the note, but then she found out that she was pregnant and decided to stay where ever it was she ended up. After Ben was born however, she realised that he needed to know his family and decided to come back, still thinking that Fred was dead. She probably went to the Leakty Cauldron and sent an owl to Harry, thinking that it was safer to start with a nonWeasley, but mum opened the letter since Harry had already left and hurried over there to force her to stay here instead. Hermione surrendered and came back here, still nobody mentioned." At this Harry protested. "Did you actually mention his name or did you refer to Fred as he?" At the sight of the look on his face, she continued. "Didn't think so. She probably thught you were talking about Ron and felt even more horrible. Anyway, she still thought he was dead and when she came back into the kitchen with Ben she thought it was George, not Fred, standing there. That was why she was acting so strangely towards him, she still loved him and couldn't handle looking at his twin when she knew he was gone forever. This of course broke Freds heart, he thought that she was totally over him and was about to run out the door when George turned up. As I said, quite obvious." Ginny walked over to were Molly sat with Ben and bent down to pick him up. Molly couln't believe how well her daugter knew her, or the rest of the family. Harry, Ron, George, Percy, Charlie and Bill still stood there gaping. Finally, George seemed to pull himself together and wlked over to were Ginny was standing, cooing at Ben. "So you're saying my twinbrother is a father?" "Well he is undoubtably a Weasley, I mean look at his hair. So unless anyone else here slept with Hermione, then yes George, your twinbrother is a father." "Merlins beard!" George still seamed to have some trouble grasping this, but then a mischevous smile lit up his face. " Can you imagine all the things we could teach this little guy?!" " You will do no such thing!" Molly had stood up. "Hermione is a very sweet girl and she does not deserve anything like that! If there is one thing you can do to thank me for not drowning you when you were three it is to not torment Hermione."

"I thought you left because you didn't want to be with me." They were still in the kitchen, but had moved over to sit at the table. Eventhough it was a very big table, they were almost sitting on top of each other. "That you thought you'd have to nurse me back to health and couldn't stand the thought. So I deceided to make sure you wouldn't have to. I made a miraculous recovery, nobody could believe their eyes when three days after I woke up I was as good as knew. I wanted to get better for you, so that you would come back to me and we could start our happily ever after. But you didn't come back. I waited for you in the Burrows kitchen for to straight weeks, I only left it to sleep and use the bathroom. After those to weeks I gave up and locke dmyself in my bedroom. I wouldn't speak to anyone, just laid in my bed staring at the ceiling. I had nothing to live for, everything samed pointless without you. I thought that you had met someone new and that you never loved me as much as I loved you. That what we had was just a fling to you. Everyone was worried about me, I guess Harry, Ginny and Ron told the others about us. They all tried to find you, they even went to Shacklebolt involving the ministry. But there was no trace of you. There was a rumor that you were in Boston, but the auror they sent found no trace of you. What happened to you?" "I acctually lived in Boston, but I changed my name and straightened my hair. To many people recognized me, even there." "Guess that explains it. Any way, I finally gave up all hope of ever getting you back and started to function more or less again. I would eat a little and sleep, I even started working in the shop again. We would all pretend like noting had happened, that you didn't exist. But I still had this hole inside of me and my heart still ached. Then tonight, you were there. I come home after a horrible day at the shop, I swear that every nutcase in England came in today, and ther you are, standing in the doorway. I have never seen you looking more beautiful than standing there holding Ben. I couldn't believe my eyes, but then when you looked up your eyes were blank and your voice was distant. My heart broke all over again, finally I had proof that you didn't love me anymore." "I thought you were George, I had to remind myself over and over that you were gone. It broke my heart just to look at you. I never stoped loving you. I missed you every second of everyday. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of our child and the fact that he was all I had left of you. I only ate enough for him to stay healthy. The thoght of him being a result of our love for each other kept me going all those lonely months. He was born with a large tuft of that Weasleyred hair and.....Merlins beard! Ben!" She stood up and rushed out of the room. Fred stood up and followed her into the livingroom.

George, who was currently holding Ben and whispering to him about his and Freds all pranks, looked up as he heard Hermione hurry into the room and over to him. She grabbed Ben, holding him close to her, feeling the need to make sure he was alright. Satisfied, she turned to Fred. "This is Benjamin Granger Weasley, our son." Once again, their eyes met and they smiled, sure that what ever might happen, they would be fine. As long as they had each other.


End file.
